I feel the need to hold back my feelings. To not tell them to my counsellor or my psychiatrist. I feel as though they expect me to be getting better, and that if I say I’m not, that I’m trying to make myself sick or depressed. I don’t know if it happens by itself or if I’m sabotaging myself, but it is what’s happening, and I feel as though I shouldn’t mention it in therapy. In fact, I feel like quitting therapy completely. Over the past two years I have felt this way before, and I know I won’t. It’s just that right now I feel like everything is so horribly twisted, that I’m confused about what is what. My feeling and mind are a mess, and I can’t express them properly.
Basically if I mention that I’ve been having suicidal ideation again, I’m asked to take a look at that and we always end up at the same place. That I’m thinking it because killing myself would be something I could control. Thinking about it, makes me feel in control.
If I mention something about food, if it isn’t immediately disregarded as my psychologist’s territory, then I feel as though my counsellor thinks that I’m purposely restricting and messing up on purpose, and that I’m not trying to get better. I won’t deny that, at the moment, my mindset is very much set on losing weight and I told him that. Yet I still feel as though I shouldn’t be talking about the struggles I’m having with food, because it’s basically been said and done. It’s been a year and a half, and for the first 8 months, my eating habits and disordered behaviour was all I talked about. I feel that know that it’s becoming more of a problem again, I shouldn’t bother saying anything because we’ve already gone through it.
I feel as though I should suffer alone, and that what’s happening is stupid and completely my fault. I’m the one that started weighing myself more than once a day, I’m the one restricting, I’m the one who is constantly falling in and out of depression and anxiety, and I’m the one who is making myself sick. I am also the only person who can make myself better, which is the hardest part because if I try to change my habits, things spiral out of control and get so much worse.
Everything scares me. I feel horrible all the time. Everything I do is wrong. I’m a bad person. I’m annoying, and I’m probably the most frustrating person to have in therapy. I should just stop. I don’t know why I keep going. It helps, but it doesn’t. I annoy them more than they can help me. I’m not worth their time, and they definitely have better things to do. Every day I feel this. Every single freaking day. It’s so overwhelming that it hurts.
I don’t know how to tell them this. I just want to break down and confess that this is how I feel. I want to apologize for being so horrible and frustrating. I don’t want to waste their time. I hate that I feel as though I’m making myself sicker. I get that everything I do is my choice, but things just happen and I don’t know how to control them.
I think it will be better to hide everything. To not tell them when things get bad, because they know that it does and it’s just so repetitive. I should pretend to be better. That’s what everyone wants, so why not just show them what they want. To pretend that their advice is helping, even if it’s not. To pretend that I can reach the goals they want me to achieve, because not being able to just shows them how weak I am. Maybe that’s what I should do.
Dancer in the Wind 