I have no idea what I’m doing. I just want to get smaller and smaller and everything I’m doing makes me feel crazy. I somehow started weighing myself three times a day, and eating less and less, and I’ve been obsessively counting calories. My therapy goal was to not weigh myself more than once a day, but I just can’t do it. I need to know if I’ve gained weight. I need to know to be less anxious. I can’t accept that things will be fine without me knowing. I need to see it. I need to lose, and I don’t understand why my body isn’t cooperating.
Today I was at ballet and I thought I was okay. I was super lost and confused because I haven’t been in almost two weeks and she changed and added new things. Then we got to the centre and I was so off balance it wasn’t even funny. I kept falling everywhere. I was dizzy and I felt like I was going to collapse. When we went to do a combination she looked at me and told me I looked pale, and asked if I had eaten anything. She offered me a chocolate because I looked like I was going to pass out. I declined and told her I had eaten. I thought I had eaten enough, since I felt as though I had overeaten but I guess not. I hate it when she calls me out on it though. I’m sorry, but even if I hadn’t eaten not only would I not tell you but there is no way in hell I would admit it in an open forum. Recently she’s been asking me if I had eaten or if I felt okay, and I don’t understand her sudden fascination with what I’ve eaten. I haven’t lost weight. I don’t look smaller. There is no reason to worry!
I really don’t know what to do with myself. I’m constantly fighting between the voices, and I just feel like cowering away in a corner to let them battle it out themselves. I hate what is happening. I hate what I’m doing to my body. I hate that I’ve let myself do this. Yet I can’t stop myself. I want to keep going. I want to lose weight and lose even more. I want to be small and tiny and underweight. I was there, I just never made it far enough to reach my goal and I want to so badly. I feel like I’m going to be completely selfdestructive if I don’t stop myself, but I don’t know how and I honestly don’t want to. I hate myself so much for not being able to make up my mind. I hate myself because I can’t make myself okay. I hate myself because despite knowing what is good for me I don’t do it because I know that by not doing it I will lose weight.
I truly hate myself for not wanting to get better.
You can’t get better. You’re too fat. Who do you think you’re kidding. You can’t get better because you aren’t sick. You’re just pathetic. You need to lose. You are such a fat pig it’s disgusting.
Dancer in the Wind 